SUBJECT: THINGS TO PONDER

 

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back,
“Bring pizza.”
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ME: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose
red)…I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like
this again!
TRAINER: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.


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Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to
put on clothes and leave the house.


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It’s weird being the same age as old people.


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When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…. this is not what I expected.


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Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.


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It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.


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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
HIM: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.


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Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing,
dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to
paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!


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I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,”
that many times in your first session but here we are…


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So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?


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If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


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I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.


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I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m
12,
while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.


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Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.


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I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.


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I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my
exit.


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How many of us have looked around our family reunion and
thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”


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At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity?
As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or
“abso-2020-lutely.”


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You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then
try to get back up.


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We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a
lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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