SUBJECT: THINGS TO PONDER


SUBJECT: THINGS TO PONDER

 

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back,
“Bring pizza.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ME: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose
red)…I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like
this again!
TRAINER: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to
put on clothes and leave the house.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s weird being the same age as old people.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…. this is not what I expected.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
HIM: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing,
dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to
paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,”
that many times in your first session but here we are…


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m
12,
while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my
exit.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and
thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity?
As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or
“abso-2020-lutely.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then
try to get back up.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a
lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Published by nootkabear

We are virtual freelance legal assistants. We have over 180 documents posted online at www.scribd.com/nootkabearmcdonald We enjoy being together, and sharing our lives with our two Kugsha. They are very large, and love to make us laugh, loads of fun!

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